I started a post over three weeks ago. It was a bit of a rant. A complaint about the church and Christians in general. I still feel angry about some of the things I was upset about, but I have decided to keep it to myself for a while and try to work on my own flaws and offensive nature rather than target other Christians. I have a cynical spirit. I think a part of me has been unknowingly proud of it. In my subconscious, I think I tell myself It’s a realistic, intelligent approach to life. I’m not one of those annoying, gushy, emotional people. I’m strong and steady. My cynicism provides me with a barrier to protect me from feeling too much. Once you start opening yourself up to others and to God, you open yourself up to pain. I don’t know how to deal with pain because I’ve always prevented it by establishing my safe emotional distance.
Part of the reason I’ve been thinking about this is because I’ve been reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller. This line from the section entitled “Understanding Cynicism” resonated with me:
“To be cynical is to be distant. While offering a false intimacy of being “in the know,” cynicism actually destroys intimacy. It leads to a creeping bitterness that can deaden and even destroy the spirit.”
I’ve always known that cynicism was a huge ugly part of my personality (I always blamed that on my father…sorry, dad), but hearing it described as so I realized what a bigger role it plays in my life on every level.
uh oh. I’m probably one of the “annoying, gushy, emotional people.” 😉
good thoughts, though. how did you happen upon this book?
Of course not, Sara! You can be emotional without being gushy and annoying, of which you are neither.
Our friends, Drew & Vanita, sent us a copy of the book.
i went through that process of recognizing my cynicism the year before God took me to Haiti in 2008… and it still comes out every once in awhile, but from my expierence it really does bring a lot of freedom and intimacy when we turn towards God and away from it… i really love that quote….makes me what to read the book! i’m here if you need to process out-loud!!! miss you.